Family Hurts Too

“Family comes first.” This is something that we grew up with. We are told that we have to love our family just because it’s our family. I think not just because they have our DNA, they are truly our family. I say this because I do consider family members sometimes can be strangers; they can hurt us like any other person. If at some moment we don’t get along with some of them, we even feel bad, guilty, a bad person, because they have taught us that we have to love our relatives no matter what. I don’t agree with that at all. So, in this essay, first, I will talk about these beliefs that people still have and why it is important to sometimes question what we are taught; then, I will share with you why I don’t agree with this idea; and finally, I will share with you an anecdote.

I remember perfectly that at school I was taught family is the foundation of society. I learned about the importance of the family, but, I remember a family pretty different from mine. It sounded as a perfect family, how far from reality! Also, I remember when I was a child I went to church, and of course, I learned about the family and that we have to love our family, to accept them and to forgive them because we all are not perfect, because we make mistakes. I’m aware of that, and I know I’m not a perfect person, I make mistakes, I can hurt others even if I don’t want to. But the thing is, what happens if someone (a member of my family) hurt me constantly and intentionally? Why should I allow it? I think I don't have to put up with that. And I think the belief of “family comes first, and you have to love your family” is still being taught because past generations are a bit closed-minded and we don’t have the habit of questioning what we are taught.

“What happens if someone, a member of my family, hurt me constantly and intentionally? Why should I allow it?” I am quoting myself to make this point clearer. Well, the reason I don’t agree with “family comes first” is because (;) I have gone through situations that have made me realize that I don’t have to love someone just because. And I don’t have to allow anyone to hurt me.  I DON’T HAVE TO. And sometimes it can be extremely difficult to deconstruct our thinking; a belief that was inserted into us and it generates in us a quite heavy felling of guilt, it makes us think we are not a good person because we are not capable of loving others. So, the situation becomes more difficult, heavier, because it’s not only the discomfort of someone hurting us, but the way we feel because we don’t want to have contact to them. I think our well-being comes first, and if you are not hurting anyone, it’s okay always look for your comfort, for your peace. It doesn’t matter who is in your life and who isn’t. You can find strangers that turn into your family, and if not, you still have yourself.

This is maybe my most personal essay. I have to say that I don’t have a perfect relationship with my father, thus, since some years ago (since I could decide what I want to do) neither with my paternal family. I had thought I was okay with that; I mean, I was capable of carrying on with my life. I never missed them. But, like two or 3 weeks ago, a brother of my father passed away. And it was a really strange situation, because I’ve always though it wouldn’t have an effect on me, but that day was difficult, I couldn’t think of anything else. Then, I didn’t know if I had to go to the funeral or not, because, I didn’t have a connection with him. I felt very confused, because, it came to make me think about the real situation. Family is supposed to be a support for you, your safe place, a place where you feel loved and understood. I have never received anything from it. My sadness and confusion that day wasn’t actually because of the death, but the reminder of my situation with my paternal family. It’s sad to feel that you are not important to them, they don’t care about you. However, I went to the funeral to accompany my father, and because it was going to be good for me to know I’m doing things the best I can, even if I don’t have the best relationship with them. But it gave me peace, and that’s what I want to show here. Your peace, your well-being comes first.

In short, for a long time I felt I was wrong because I didn’t want to have contact with them, but now I know it was the best decision, because we don’t have to allow ourselves to feel bad, uncomfortable just to keep relationships that are not good to us. Even if they hurt us, if they don’t love us, don’t accept us, and we don’t have a reason to do it; we can do it even if we are not having contact with them. But the thing here is, of course, family hurts too.